waking up is hard to do

today was joe's first day of school. we have had the luxury of sleeping in all summer, but today marked the first day, not just of school, but of getting up at 7am to be ready for his yellow school bus. i got up at ten til the hour and got myself dressed. i turned on my radio loud enough that i knew joe would be able to hear it in his room down the hall. then i went into his room and turned on his light. i got his clothes together that he would later put on and laid them on his bed. joe was still huddled, eyes closed, and ignoring mom as best he could. when i spoke, he just gestured to the light. that is his sign for "turn it off" so i told him he could sleep in a little while longer and turned off the light. then he gestured to the bed beside him. usually that means sit by me, but somehow i didn't think so. i asked him if he wanted his blanket, which had been kicked off sometime during the night. he nodded yes, so i covered him up. before i left his room he had his eyes closed and his breathing deepened into that slumberland sound.

i chuckled to myself at his behavior as i went down the stairs to greet michael who was also getting ready for his first day of school. i pondered on how little joe can communicate and yet, i try to make up for his lack by anticipating his needs and reading between the lines of his signs, gestures and vocalizations.

and vocalizing he has been! this summer joe stumped us many times trying to tell us something, using grunts, squeals, signs and gestures. sadly, often i had to tell him "joe, i dont' know what you're trying to say."

the Lord brought to mind his scripture from Romans that says: "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." Rom 8:26-27

i am so glad that when i don't know how to pray, how to talk to the Lord, how to express in words my feelings and thoughts, that the Lord steps in and intercedes on my behalf. like joe, i struggle to get the words out, to communicate, but God is there. He knows what i'm trying to say, He knows my innermost thoughts and He is interceding on my behalf! wow--what a great God we serve!

i'm struggling right now how to pray for my mom while she battles this cancer. at times, emotions overwhelm me and the words won't come, but i am confident in God's provision and His tender care. i love the fact that not only is He interceding on my behalf as one of the saints, but that His prayers are in accordance with the will of God! He knows how to pray for my mom and myself even when all can do is point and gesture, just like Joe.

the Father's Arms

our daisy is a bit of a scaredy cat. a couple weeks ago she heard something in the middle of the night and barked her head off. she sleeps downstairs by herself, so when she gets scared she doesn't have anyone to run to.

last nite, i heard a big ol truck making a racket driving down the road. it might have been a fire engine .... anyway, daisy heard it too. but instead of barking, she found a slight opening in the door to our room and tiptoed in. she came to my side of the bed and gently put her paws up on the bed. i could tell she was asking if she could come up. so what's a mom to do when one of her family is wanting to be comforted? i let her come up. she immediately sought out my arms and cuddled as close as she could. i wrapped my arm around her and she settled down and went to sleep.

as i was laying in bed, pondering daisy's actions, it occured to me that dont' we do the same when we are faced with a scary situation. we look for comfort and warm arms to hold us. i found out last week that my mom had a suspicious looking mammogram. they have scheduled a biopsy for later this week. we talked for a bit and she assured me that she is trusting the Lord whatever the outcome. she has sought out the comfort of the Father's arms.

i marvel at my mom's peace in the face of another health scare. and yet, i know that it isn't of her own strength, but the Lord working in and thru her. she has followed Him all her life and knows Him as her Father. she is a reminder and a role model for me when troubles come into my own life. i can run to the things of the world for comfort, or i can run to the Father's arms. they are always open to recieve his children. like daisy, i can sleep peacefully while hidden in the arms of my Father.

Psalms 91 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Postscript: August 27th

the results of my mom's biopsy showed 2 cancerous tumors. so now she and the ones who love her get to lean into the Father's arms even more. while we know her ultimate destination is assured, its not always fun to go thru the journey. i am praying for many more healthy years with her, but we are not assured even one more day on this planet.

i thank you for your prayers in advance for my mom and for our family as we walk thru this with her.

reminded again how much i need to rest in the Father's arms, gail

the potted plant

i don't know much about potted plants. i don't have a green thumb when it comes to things growing in pots, but i do know that you don't want to have a plant become root bound in a pot. plants need room for their roots and every once in awhile they need to be repotted into a larger pot.

for the last few years here in twin i have felt like a potted plant. i've felt hindered, i've felt like my roots have nowhere to grow. i want to be rooted in the soil of an outdoor garden where the air is fresh, the sunshine on my face and room to breathe. i feel that the master gardener needs to plant me somewhere else. so what does a pot do when the master gardener says its not time yet?

this has been a time of learning to wait on the Lord, and wait on His timing. mike will be transfering to BSU at some point, but even that timeline has changed, and isn't set in concrete. i must learn to wait. to trust. to rely on the Lord and know that in His wisdom, He knows when the plant needs to be repotted. its not the plant that gets to decide, its the gardener.

for my part, i need to continue to grow. that is my job while i'm here in this pot. to grow, to give off fruit, to provide shade .... and whatever else the Lord would have for me to do while i'm in this pot.

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and who have made the Lord their hope and confidence." Jer 17:7

border collies

i once watched a pbs program about border collies on a sheep ranch in new zealand. i was amazed at these dogs and how they could round up a herd of sheep, just by being behing the herd and running back and forth, steering the sheep where they wanted them to go. once the sheep were in the docket where the dogs had wanted them to go to, i saw one of the dogs running on the backs of the sheep! wow!

lately i've been feeling like the Lord has unleashed his angelic border collies on me. i feel like i'm being herded from behind to go where the Lord wants me to go.

off and on over the last year, mike and i have discussed using less of the personal care services the state of idaho provides for us to help with josiah. we have been feeling that as josiah has been getting older he has needed help from the state less, and we could do more and we would like to do more with him. he's still a 24/7 kind of kid where you need eyes in the back of your eyes. whenever mike and i talk, we always say we're going to reduce the aid's hours, but then when the time comes we never do. the last time we chatted about this was just a couple weeks ago. but this time it was like the Lord decided to let out the border collies. within a week we got a call from the nurse who oversees the care and said that they had run into a problem. seems that the aid who had been working with joe didn't have all the credentials needed for the job. i told mike that i wouldn't be suprised if the agency dropped joe altogether becuz of the red tape and headaches that medicaid tends to make in these situations. 2 days later we got a call from the head medicaid nurse and after some arm twisitng from her i told her that we would be fine going without personal care services for joe.

i knew that this was from the Lord, that this was the direction that He was taking us, but nonetheless, it was a very scary idea. i remember the days of sleep deprivation and being ready to tear my hair out chasing after his incessent,impulsive, non-stop curiousity and motion.

its only been a few days, and yes there have been some rough spots, but all in all, i'm learning to trust that the Lord is in control and does know what is best for our family. even when i don't think i can handle something, He pushes me along, nipping at my heels as needed to get me to keep moving forward. i love the fact that with border collies they are working hand in hand with their masters, who are using whistles to guide them. i'm not sure how that fits in with this seed story, but i see the Lord, my Master, as being the one who guides the circumstances, people, and situations to move me along to where He wants me to be! i guess that makes me a dumb sheep after all!!!

the campfire

why is fire so interesting to watch?

last week we went on a short camping trip. the first night there, we lit a fire. both michael and i enjoy watching a campfire, as many do. its mesmerizing. its hypnotic. its calming. the fire is never predictible, but its consistent. as long as there is fuel to burn, it will burn on.

josiah also loves fires. his idea of fun is to find a piece of grass or a piece of paper and toss it in and watch the fire burn it up immediately. if paper, grass or twigs are unavaiable, he has been known to throw dirt or rocks into the fire, just to see if they will burn.

there are many ways fire can be related to our christian walk, more than i could possibly write about here. the thot that came to me as i was staring into the campfire that night was what kind of fuel am i burning as a follower of the Lord? the quick, small bursts of flames that were produced by what joe would throw in or the long-lasting logs that kept the fire burning for hours? one gives a quick burst of flame, but is quickly gone, the other may take longer to catch on fire but once it does it burns long, and hot.

unfortunately, i feel that alot of times in my christian walk i burn hot and fast, and peeter out soon after. whether its a discipline of daily reading my Bible, or being patient with my son. instead i want to be the long burning fire, the consistent, reliable, warmning fire that makes others want to stop and stare for awhile at the flames.

The Lawnmower, Part 2

Last summer Josiah pushed around an old, broken lawn mower. he loved getting out there every afternoon or evening and pushing it around. and he was disappointed on the days when he couldn't do his lawnmowing.

this year, when we found out the family that has mowed our lawn had a conflict in their schedules and wouldn't be able to do the mowing, we decided that Josiah was ready to be promoted to head lawnmower man. we went to the local big box store and looked at the different options. a power mower was a scary thought. but then we spied an old-fashioned push mower. and the price was right--sweet!

we brought it home and Josiah was in heaven! he pushed, and pushed! he loved being out there cutting the grass and doing his job. every evening after dinner he begged to go out and mow. what a joy to watch!

seeing Josiah's diligence with this small task made me think of Jesus' admonition to be faithful in the small things. as we watched all last summer, Josiah's diligence in his pretend job of mowing, we knew that he was showing us that soon he would be capable of doing more. i wonder if the Lord also watches us, watching to see how we're doing with the job, pretend or otherwise, that he's given us to do. watching to see if we are ready for the next step, a promotion to another bigger job.

michael is already dreaming of launching joe's lawnmowing service when he is older, but for that we will have to see if he will continue to be faithful with this. maybe someday you'll see a smiling, happy Angelman boy being faithful in his lawnmowing duties, mowing the lawns for others unto the Lord.

beagle vs jack russell

our jack russell terrier, daisy, isn't a purebred. she's a bit taller than most jacks, and her ears are a tad rounder and longer, her coloring on her face reminds us alot of the beagle that we had. when talking to the vet and then the pound lady, both thot she might have a touch of beagle in her. yikes!!! not beagle!

if you've read any of my seedstories you know that tho beagles can be outwardly cute, inwardly they can be unattractive to the core. our beagle was not our fav dog. her strong will and disobedient nature eventually led to us finding a new home for her. we often remarked that sophie was like a picture of "the flesh" that wars against our new nature as christians. she fell into every temptation that came her way.

on the other hand, daisy has wanted to be part of the family since she came to live with us. she wants to please us and is always watching for cues as to what we want. but every once in awhile, she is tempted to go astray. the other night she found an intriguing toy of joe's on the floor. she was starting to chew it when we noticed and told her to give it up. she dropped it and started to back off. we were delayed in picking it up due to too many things going on at the same time. daisy saw an opportunity and came back to grab the ball and scoot around to the back side of the sofa. michael noticed her action and sternly told her to stop! don't even think about it! she immediately dropped the ball. we saw a glimmer of the disobedient beagle in her, but her jack russell nature came to the forefront.

i think it is often the same with us. we want to please the Lord, we want to be obedient, but sometimes our flesh rises its ugly head. but God calls us back to obedience. there are times when i am tempted, and times when i even fall into the temptation, but then the Lord pulls me back, i'm reminded of my desire to be a part of God's family, to please Him in everything i do, and to be with Him. tho i dont' like my "beagle" nature, i'm glad the Lord has transformed me into a new creature in Christ and someday that "beagle" nature will be totally gone. i look forward to the day when i stand before Him. my hope is to hear His words of commendation: "well done faithful servant."

nothing new here

i'm still here, just have been terribly busy and not thinking very creatively at the moment. i hope to add more seed stories this spring ....

keeping alert

a couple years ago i went away for a few days to visit my mom for a long overdue visit. i wasn't convinced that leaving my son and my husband at home without me was a good idea, but michael assured me that he could handle the responsibilities. i called every evening to check in and see how things were going on their end. one evening when i called, i woke michael up from a nap. we chatted away, and then he told me he'd call back. it seemed that josiah wasn't where he thot he was. later i found out that while mike had fallen asleep, our son decided to go down to our basement to investigate what might be waiting for him there. our laundry room is there along with a room we keep our out of season items and in one of the rooms i have my paints, rubberstamps, stencils and fabric.

michael called out joe's name, but being non-verbal he didn't answer. so michael had to search each room of the house until he found josiah in the basement. josiah was quite content sitting on the floor of my craft storage room with a can of lavender colored paint open, the white cement floor now colored with splotches of purple. you could see where he must have tipped the can while he was trying to open the lid as it had dripped heavily on the legs of the wood table next to him. josiah had purple paint adorning his clothing, hands and shoes. mike tried hard to get joe up the stairs and into the bathroom without too much injury to the house, but along the way there are several purple handprints that commemorate his adventure.

i've often commented that caring for our son is an adventure where you need eyes in the back of your head and you have to be "on" 24/7. unless you want more suprises like the paint can fiasco michael found himself cleaning up.

needing to be alert reminded me of Jesus' time here on earth, when he was praying in the garden only to find his disciples asleep. he said to them, "So, you men could not keep watch with me for one hour? Keep watching and praying, that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Matt26:40-41 and in Col 4:2 it says: "Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving."

my need to be alert while i care for my son is one i have accepted and grown accustomed to over the years. my need to be alert in prayer is one i am just beginning to understand. for me not only do i need to be alert when i am praying before the throne of grace, but throughout my day i need to be alert to hearing and seeing those needs around me that the Lord would have me bring before Him. its so easy to go thru my day and hear about those who are in distress or need a touch of grace and yet forget all about them when my prayer time is upon me.

"Lord, help me to be attentive and alert, devoted to prayer. thank you for the opportunities to come alongside your work and be a part of the kingdom process."

to sleep or not to sleep

our son, who has a genetic disability, has a problem getting to sleep and staying that way without the medications we give him. even with the meds there are nights where he wakes up and won't go back to sleep or takes a couple hours to get to sleep. this means one of his parents (usually me!) is up with him, as he can't be left alone unattended. this past month of december has seen more than its share of sleep disturbed nights.

so it was with great joy and anticipation that michael and i got away for a weekend without our son. michael usually wakes up early, but that next morning we both slept in. it was heaven! that night we stayed up late and again slept in longer than before. what a sweet gift.

i was pondering on the effects sleep and lack of sleep have on me. when i get a good nights sleep i'm renewed, energized, and ready to tackle whatever the day holds. when i am sleep deprived, no amount of coffee or sugar will energize me. i go thru the day in slow motion, yawning constantly. every action an effort that drains the few reserves i have.

i have noticed a similar reaction in my life when i don't have my time with the Lord. i made it a higher priority this past year to read the Word and have some structured prayer time in the mornings. when i did have that time with God, my days were focused, energized, and alert. i had a strength that did not come from within me. but on those days that i forgot, or skipped that time with the Lord were harder to get thru. little things would trip me up during the day. i didn't have as clear a focus as i wanted and i certainly didn't have any extra strength or energy. just as a person can't live an effective life being sleep deprived over the long term, i don't believe a christian can live an effective life without the Word of God and consistant prayer time with the Lord God Almighty.

tho the hard seasons the Lord has brought me thru have drawn me closer to Him and given me a greater desire to spend time with Him, i still struggle. and knowing the flesh and blood body i inhabit, i imagine i will probably always stuggle in this area. but that isn't a reason to give up and quit fighting. no the struggle shows me that this is worth fighting for. no matter how long i struggle to be consistant in this area, i will fight, i will press on, i will endure. just as i go to bed every night hopeful for a solid 8 hours, every day i will anticipate my time with the Lord. one gives me physical strength for the day, and the other .... oh how much more!